“I left to find a better job!”
When is a lie no longer a lie and just an excuse.
I’m writing this for me and hopefully for some lost child that is still holding on to hope that one day their parent will come back to them. I think this may be the hardest post that I will ever write and post. I’ve been writing this post mentally for years now but on paper for about 4 months. It’s still a hard thing to understand but I had to accept the apology that I never received in order to move forward with a happy, positive life.
I’m sighing and taking deep breaths because this isn’t the life any child deserves or wants. At least this isn’t the life that I wanted. Every child deserves both parents.
I think it’s time for me to publicly face the elephant in the room, the one that slowly tries to come back, the one that is secretly trying to hold on to me, the one that didn’t deserve to be a parent at all. I can’t talk for all parents but I can speak for mine. The absent one that I had, that is. I wouldn’t trade anything for the experiences that my life has taught me. However that sorry no good father of mine he needs to understand that you can’t openly deny your child and then turn around years later and act like nothing happened, to act like my health wasn’t important.
The issue that took the cake for me. If and when I ever call someone or reach out to you for help, I’m not reaching to use anyone. I honestly need help. So I was going through a rough patch and in all honesty I had made plans to see things through and work out a plan to have this paid for but I wanted to see what his response would be if I asked for help to pay for a medical procedure that I really needed to have done. His response was ‘I’ll see what I can do.’ (In my mind I knew he wasn’t going to come through, that’s why I had a plan A).
Keep in mind, I reached out to him before my health issue to try and build a relationship years before any of this happened but it just didn’t work out so by accident I still had his number in my phone. Yes I’ve had many health scares, this was years before the celiac discovery. I find out years later that his girlfriend at the time told him not to help me because all I wanted was his money. My health didn’t matter to him then or now because no person will intentionally hurt their child to keep someone else happy and he knew the money was for a medical procedure. Some dirty mess right? I think so too.
See you don’t hurt someone intentionally and then continue to hurt the person like it wasn’t your fault. Own up to your mess, apologize and keep it moving. No that didn’t happen.
Kids stop beating the dead horse. If your parents don’t want to act right and claim you. Remember their loss and not yours. It’s going to take time and healing but one day you will forgive for yourself and move on. See I played this game for far too long because I thought every child needed both parents, unfortunately in my case it wasn’t meant that way. I tried, I really tried. The countless times that I reached out and every time the same story, an excuse. His excuse, ‘I left to find a better job.’ I’m not even going to tell you what kind of job he has. But yet you didn’t come back until I was completely finished with high school. (How does that justify your actions? Abandonment is a charge and you should be persecuted to the fullest extent.)
He’s probably somewhere reading this thinking that he had a part in my growth as a person, child, adult and he did but not in the way that he should have. I hope that if you are reading this that you understand this part: You do not get to come back into my life and try to reverse something that had a permanent affect on my life. You made your bed so now you have to lie in it. The day you decided that your girlfriend was more important than your OWN child’s health is the day that you no longer mattered to me, as hard as that sounds to some it’s even harder for your parent to deny you getting better because he thought I only wanted his money. Even though the hurt was real I forgave you because my life and happiness matter. I am my mother’s daughter.
People don’t know the things I struggled with every day in my mind because I always wondered, ‘did he really love me?’ You had one job and one job only and that was to be a better parent to your kids than your own father was to you, but no you got it wrong as well. One of the worst things you can ever do to your own child is to ruin them emotionally, bruises heal but words will never go away. This is my journey and I’m so glad that I took it back.
I am a fatherless daughter but that doesn’t define my life.
Being a fatherless daughter you gain a backbone to block mess at the door, at least I have. For a while it was a mental crutch for me because I thought something was wrong with me. The things you learn when you let go and start living the life that you deserve. Stop worrying and comparing yourself to other people. You are uniquely you and that in itself is enough for anybody.
Are you a fatherless daughter? Fatherless son? Motherless daughter? Motherless son? Is your parent in the same town and has never acknowledged you? Is your mother or father your next door neighbor? These things are too real. I’m not a parent but I can’t imagine not playing a part of the life of someone that should be so important to you. These things don’t define what our lives will be like unless you are holding a grudge. It’s time to live the life that you love without worrying about the what ifs or the could have beens. It’s time to take your life back from those that don’t value you.
You were given the life that you have because you are strong enough to live it.
This is me releasing this issue into the universe. I’m releasing this from my life, my heart, my soul and my feelings. I never knew how long it actually weighed on my heart until now. I’m so glad I can finally speak on this without getting emotional and that means I have gained strength from it. I am now free. Free from feeling like I wasn’t enough for my father to love me or to play a positive role in my life. Thank you for stopping by.
Until next post, with open arms!